Woke up in a panic
Like somebody fired a gun
I wish I could be dreaming
But the nightmare’s just begun

Ever do that? Wake up from a dead sleep in full panic mode, heart pounding, mind racing?

It’s happened to me a few times in the past couple weeks, and it’s quite unpleasant. I do not recommend it. And as sleep deprivation accumulates, the brain gets less and less effective. For the first time, I feel I have just a tiny understanding of what parents of babies and young children go through.

Don’t know why I feel so bad
Is it the weather, or am I going mad?
Don’t know why I feel this way
I don’t know whether I’m coming or I’m going
Can’t cover up, ’cause it’s obviously showing

Normally, I’m a fairly calm person, not given to emotional outbursts. So the number of times I’ve heard “You’re stressing me out!” in the past few weeks must be some sort of record.

I didn’t actually know, before, that stress was catching.

“Nice to know you’re human, too,” I also heard. Well that’s over-rated, I say.

Standing on an island
In the middle of the road
Traffic either side of me
Now which way do I go?
I should have stayed at home
I should have never come outside
Now I wish I’d never tried
To cross to the other side

So what’s been bothering me? Well, I’m not going to say. It’s personal, and it’s nothing dire — no cancer, no house burned down. It’s just stuff, that’s led to a lot more introspection than I’m used to, which it’s clearly bad for me. Frankly, I’m getting quite sick of myself.

Lyin’ awake in a cold, cold sweat
Am I overdrawn, am I going into debt?
It gets worse, the older that you get
No escape from this state of confusion I’m in

(The Kinks: “State of Confusion”)

And anyway, it’s gone beyond anything real, and I actually am panicking about going in debt, even though I have no real reason to do so, upcoming trip to Europe or no. And hearing all this bad economic news — not helpful! I’m like a walking Dow Jones average, overreacting to every new bit of information.

I thought, maybe a news break would help, then noticed how much news permeates my life. I wake up to CBC news (business news at 6:45), get up and get the paper (hard to get to the Arts section without passing by Business news with all its downward red arrows), cook dinner to CTV News 1: Your News first! (Business report at 6:30 pm).

So anyway, that’s why I haven’t been writing about politics much. But I suppose I should say something about the federal election results.

Given how bad the Liberal campaign was, it’s fortunate Conservatives managed to lose the majority on their own, scaring the Quebecois with thoughts of arts cuts and 14-year-olds in jail. But they did get a stronger minority, one that will take two parties to bring them down. Stéphane Dion didn’t dither in doing the right thing and stepping down, though this means the Liberals will again be spending all their money on getting a new leader, and not on winning power. There’s been lots of talk of uniting the Left. I’d love to see it, but won’t hold my breath.

Most disappointing for me had to be the local results, losing two excellent Liberal MPs: Andrew Telegdi (by 43 votes!) and Karen Redman. Redman lost to yet another “holy roller”–a social conservative, against gay marriage, pro-life, etc. So the whole region is now “served” by undistinguished Conservative members who will be as muzzled in office as they were running for it.

At least south of border, knock wood and all that, election results are looking to be much more promising. In fact, I was listening to Mr. Obama read from his own Audacity of Hope book today. It was very relaxing. He’s so smart, so well spoken.

It did, indeed, provide me some escape from the state of confusion I’m in.